Friendships are essential in shaping our lives. They provide comfort, support, and joy, particularly when navigating personal challenges. However, even the strongest friendships can benefit from boundaries. Boundaries help maintain respect, foster trust, and protect individual well-being.
Recognizing when it’s time to establish these boundaries can be difficult, especially when emotions are involved. If you find yourself feeling drained, overwhelmed, or noticing that the dynamic has shifted in ways that no longer feel supportive, it might be time to assess whether boundaries are needed. Just as in any relationship, healthy boundaries allow both people to maintain their individuality while nurturing the friendship.
This guide will discuss why setting boundaries in friendships is important, how to identify when they’re needed, and practical steps to put them in place. Additionally, we’ll explore what to do if a friendship becomes unhealthy and how therapy can support you through these challenges.
By setting clear expectations, you can protect your emotional space and allow the friendship to grow in a way that benefits both of you. When approached thoughtfully, boundaries can strengthen connections rather than weaken them, making space for mutual respect and understanding to flourish.
What Do Healthy Boundaries in Friendships Look Like?
Friends hold a special place in our lives, especially during the teen years when you’re exploring your identity and figuring out your path. They often become a crucial source of support, particularly when they understand parts of you that might not be fully embraced by family, or when family relationships feel tense. At times, friendships may even feel like the most reliable connections in your life. However, even the deepest and most meaningful friendships need boundaries to ensure they remain healthy, respectful, and balanced over time. Setting these boundaries helps protect both the relationship and your emotional well-being, allowing the friendship to grow without overstepping personal limits.
Close relationships come in many forms, whether they’re with friends, family, or romantic partners, but they all share two fundamental elements: trust and safety. Trust allows us to open up, be vulnerable, and rely on the other person, while safety ensures that we feel secure and supported in the relationship. When these two components are present, relationships can flourish, providing a foundation for deeper connection, mutual respect, and lasting support.
Understanding Everything
In any relationship, people are complex, and no matter how deeply one understands another, there is often more beneath the surface. The same applies to friendships. Having a friend who seems to know every little detail about your life can feel special and comforting, but it can also lead to expectations that may become overwhelming. Media frequently portrays these all-encompassing friendships as ideal, yet maintaining such a high level of connection can be emotionally draining and unsustainable in the long run. Like all relationships, friendships need space to grow and evolve in order to stay healthy.
Strong friendships are grounded in trust and safety, where both individuals can share updates regularly without the pressure to divulge every single thought or experience. When there is too much emphasis on constant communication, it can create tension, particularly if one person finds it difficult to maintain that level of engagement. This strain can lead to misunderstandings or conflicts. Instead, it is more beneficial to focus on having meaningful conversations that nurture the bond rather than attempting to share everything. No one can fully know another person, but having a deep understanding of someone is where the true strength of friendship lies.
Being everything
Whether you have a large group of friends or just a few close connections, both are perfectly okay and healthy. Sometimes, you may find yourself with just one close friend, and that’s normal too! But it’s important to remember that no single person—not even your best friend—can fulfill every need in your life. Humans are meant to be shaped by a variety of relationships over time, whether it’s with family, siblings, romantic partners, or others. Each connection brings something unique, helping us grow in different ways and adding to our overall sense of belonging.
If you have a challenging relationship with your family, it can sometimes feel like your best friend is the only source of support and attention you can rely on. While it’s wonderful to be close and lean on friends during tough times, relying on just one person for everything can create an unhealthy dynamic and put too much pressure on them. If your friend becomes the go-to for all your needs—from advice to companionship to emergency help—it may be time to consider expanding your support network. And if you’ve already built one strong friendship, it’s a sign that you have the skills to connect with others and grow your circle. More relationships can bring balance and take the weight off one person, making your friendships stronger in the long run.
Feeling everything
Sometimes, friendships can feel close and supportive one moment, then suddenly filled with tension and conflict the next. If you find yourself constantly on edge, worrying whether your friend might be upset, it’s a sign that trust and safety are lacking. True trust and safety in a friendship mean that conflicts can be resolved without fear of losing the relationship. While conflict is never easy, it’s perfectly normal to feel angry or hurt at times. Healthy friendships make room for these emotions and provide a safe space to work through disagreements. In fact, occasional conflict is beneficial—it allows you to practice communicating openly and resolving issues without causing harm, which ultimately strengthens the bond.
Having trust in a friendship means that moments of anger or frustration don’t threaten the relationship’s foundation. Safety means you can express those feelings without fear of damaging the other person or the connection itself. Both friends share the responsibility of maintaining trust and safety. If one person is unpredictably angry or hurt, or if you feel you can’t express your own feelings in a healthy way, it’s a signal that boundaries need to be adjusted. Setting new boundaries can help protect the friendship and ensure it can continue in a way that’s balanced, respectful, and supportive for both individuals.
Establishing Healthy Boundaries in Friendships
Setting boundaries with friends takes practice, just like learning any new skill. However, with the right conversation tools, a bit of courage, and self-compassion as you navigate this process, you’ll find that you can begin right away. Over time, as you become more comfortable asserting your needs and respecting others’ boundaries, you’ll see your friendships grow stronger and healthier. Practicing boundaries now will lead to more balanced, supportive, and fulfilling connections.
Here are 8 tips for practicing new boundaries:
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Take 10 (or More) for Yourself
If you’re feeling the pressure to always be available or constantly keep up in a friendship, it can create unnecessary anxiety. You might find yourself waiting on edge for a text or worrying about what you’ve said or left unsaid. When this happens, give yourself an extra 10 minutes before responding. Take a moment to check in with yourself, and if you’re not in the right headspace, it’s okay to wait even longer. Trust and safety are the foundations of any strong friendship, and those who truly value you will understand that forever friends can wait 10 minutes (or more).
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Learn to Say “No” More Often
If you’re always saying “yes” in a friendship and often feel overwhelmed, it can quickly lead to burnout. Try mixing in a “no” every other time, or even every third time. True friends will understand that you need space to care for yourself, and saying “no” to a request or invitation won’t compromise a healthy friendship. In fact, it strengthens the bond by allowing both people to respect each other’s boundaries. Loving friendships thrive on mutual care, and that includes making room for self-care.
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Shift the Conversation
When conversations become difficult or repetitive, it can be helpful to gently steer them in a new direction. If your friend often brings up an emotionally draining topic, you can acknowledge their feelings while suggesting a change of subject. For example, you might say, “I’m really sorry it’s still tough with your girlfriend. Let’s shift gears for a bit and take your mind off it. Have you seen – ?” This approach shows empathy while also creating space for lighter, more balanced conversations that benefit both of you.
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Expand Your Support Network
If you find yourself carrying too much emotional weight for one friend, it may be time to widen the circle of support. This could mean “recruiting” another friend to share the load, or suggesting that your friend talk to a trusted adult, like a therapist or school counselor. While having a small, close-knit circle is wonderful, no one person can meet all of someone’s needs all the time. Expanding the support network helps keep the friendship balanced and healthy for everyone involved.
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Step Back for a Moment
When a friendship starts to feel overwhelming, it’s important to take a break and focus on something lighthearted, enjoyable, or relaxing. This time away reminds you that you are your own person, with separate feelings and experiences from your friend. You don’t have to carry the weight of everything they’re going through. A break will help you gain one of two insights: either you’ll return with more clarity to help address the issue, or you’ll realize it’s not your responsibility to solve the problem.
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Express Your Needs Clearly
Friends aren’t mind readers, and they may not know what you need unless you tell them. Learning how to kindly and respectfully express your needs is a valuable skill that will help in all areas of life—whether it’s friendships, romantic relationships, or even work. Saying something like, “I think I need this night to myself,” is perfectly okay. The more you practice stating your needs, the more confident you’ll become in advocating for yourself in all your relationships.
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Validate
Setting new boundaries with a friend can be challenging, and it’s normal for hurt feelings to arise. To ease this process, practice openly expressing your positive feelings toward them. Letting your friend know what you appreciate about the friendship helps reinforce the trust and safety you’re building. Simple affirmations like, “I really value our time together,” can balance the harder conversations and remind them that your boundaries are about maintaining a healthy relationship, not distancing yourself.
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Speak Clearly and Honestly
This is one of my favorite tools, though it often requires the most practice. While it might feel incredibly difficult to express how you truly feel or state what you need, think about times when you’ve felt stress or hurt in a relationship—often, that discomfort comes from uncertainty or not knowing where the other person stands. There’s a lot of pain in the unknown, and being honest with someone is an act of respect, even if the conversation is tough. Just like asking for what you need, learning to be direct in a kind and respectful manner is a crucial skill for all relationships in life. Here are some examples of being direct when discussing difficult topics:
- “I need to be honest—I’m not comfortable talking about our other friend anymore. It doesn’t sit right with me.”
- “I’ve given this a lot of thought, and I can’t keep this secret for you any longer. It’s not fair to either of us.”
- “You mean a lot to me, but I have to say no this time.”
- “This doesn’t feel right to me, and I need you to understand and respect that.”
- “We don’t see eye to eye on this, but that doesn’t change how much I care about you.”
- “Let’s revisit this tomorrow. I need a little more time to process.”
- “I appreciate you being open with me. I need some time to think it over.”
Whatever approach you take, remember that trust and safety are essential in any friendship. Making changes in relationships can be tough, but a true friend can join you in this journey of setting boundaries for a healthier connection. You can even practice and grow through it together.
When Setting Boundaries Falls Short
While most situations in life allow for flexibility, there are rare moments when using “never” is appropriate. Healthy friendships are built on safety, and your personal well-being should never be put at risk in any relationship. If you find yourself in a situation where boundaries aren’t enough, it’s crucial to seek additional support to regain your sense of safety. Here are some scenarios where you may need outside help:
Physical or Sexual Violence
No relationship, whether it’s a friendship, family connection, or romantic partnership, can be safe if it involves violence. If you have been physically or sexually hurt in a relationship, even if it happened only once or if the situation feels unclear, it is important to tell someone safe right away. This should not be a secret you keep for someone else either. The person you choose to share this with needs to be an adult because only adults have the ability to make informed decisions, gather the right help, and provide the support you need. If you are unsure who to turn to, think broadly about your community. This adult could be a parent, an older sibling or relative, a trusted family friend, a teacher, school counselor, coach, or therapist. They will be able to guide and support you in the best way possible.
Emotional or Physical Coercion
If you’re doing favors or staying close to someone because they are threatening you emotionally or physically, then you’re not in a safe relationship. Coercion undermines trust and security, making it impossible to maintain healthy boundaries. If you’re staying in a friendship out of fear of what might happen to them or to you if you try to set boundaries, it is important to reach out to a safe adult for support. This could be a family member, teacher, counselor, or another trusted person who can help you navigate the situation and protect your well-being.
Suicide or Self-Harm
In certain situations, no matter how much you care for someone, outside support is absolutely necessary. If a friend is talking about suicide or self-harm, or if this is something you’re struggling with yourself, friendship alone isn’t enough to manage the situation. The best thing you can do as a friend is to help get professional mental health support. If you or your friend already have a therapist but are still relying heavily on each other for these conversations, it might be time to set a boundary. This can be done with care and understanding, making sure your friend knows you still want to support them, but that topics like suicide or self-harm need to be handled by a professional who can accurately assess their safety and provide ongoing help. Boundaries like these protect both people while ensuring the right kind of support is in place.
How Can Therapy Support You in Setting Friendship Boundaries?
Therapy can be incredibly helpful for setting boundaries in friendships. In fact, relationships are one of the most common areas of focus in therapy sessions. Even when people come to therapy for personal issues, conversations often shift toward discussing the relationships in their life. Therapy provides a supportive space where you can gain validation and understanding for your experiences, especially when it’s hard to find that in your day-to-day interactions. Beyond emotional support, therapy offers practical tools to navigate difficult situations, helping you figure out what to say or do when setting boundaries feels challenging.
A therapist can guide you in identifying what healthy boundaries look like for you personally, and even help you rehearse important conversations to build your confidence.
Some may feel hesitant to bring up friendship dynamics in therapy, thinking it’s not “important” enough, but friendships play a huge role in overall mental health and well-being. It’s a great area to explore! Working with a therapist who specializes in teens and young adults, like those at Joon, ensures they’ll understand the unique importance of friendships in your life. If you’re looking for a space to explore setting boundaries in friendships, consider reaching out to a therapist at Bene by Nina for more support.
